When I met my first neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) trainer five years ago, he asked us if we'd like to know how to answer (and ask!) two questions which could change our lives. I have used these questions consistently ever since, and they have been among the most useful things I've ever learned. They were "What do you want?", and "How will you know when you've got it?"
What do you want?
"What do you want?" is probably the most well-known 'NLP question'. It takes advantage of the fact that the human nervous system is 'goal-seeking' ie. we operate most effectively when we have a goal or objective of some sort to aim for, so...
1) Ask yourself "What do I want?" & pay attention to your answer.
You can't do a don't!
Is your answer stated in the positive (eg. to get fit & healthy, to double your income, to start a new business etc.) or in the negative (eg. to quit smoking, lose weight, stop spending so much etc.)? Negatives aren't processed by the nervous system in the same way that they are linguistically (eg. The command "Don't think of a purple hippo" is difficult to obey.) You get what you focus on, so if your goal is stated in the negative, you're making it more difficult for yourself.
2) Ensure you state your goal positively.
How will you know when you've got it?
I once had a friend whose goal was to become rich. I asked her how she'd know when she was rich and she said she'd have more money. So I tossed a pound coin to her and said "Congratulations, you're rich." 'More money' did not turn out to be specific enough evidence for her having achieved her goal, so we went into the detail of what she would see, hear and feel when she was rich. This gives your nervous system a rich representation of what success is for this particular goal.
So, with regard to your goal...
3) Ask yourself "How will I know when I've got it?"
What will you see, hear and feel as you are achieving your goal? What specific details will let you know that you are getting what you want? The more sensory detail you include, the more information you will give to your nervous system about what to aim for.
4) Ensure you have DETAILS of what you will see, feel and hear.
Get your body involved..
Once you have clear evidence (ie. how you'll know when you've achieved your goal), you can engage your unconscious resources more fully by getting your body more involved. Stand up and ensure you've got enough space to move safely, then...
5) Imagine you are going to step in to that time in the future when you already have what you want, then literally take a step & imagine you can see what you'll see, hear what you'll hear & feel what you'll feel when you are achieving your goal.
Mind and body are a single system
Mind and body are a single system, and people often find that the process of stepping into a future achievement has a profound effect, allowing you to experience learnings and insights which may not previously have been consciously available. Often, the people most skeptical of this approach have the most powerful experiences, so if you are dubious about whether this will work for you, great!! - do it anyway and see what happens!!!
More advanced..
For more advanced students of NLP: when you ask someone "What do you want?" it's really important to pay attention while you ask the question & while they prepare and give an answer. People will run all sorts of unconscious strategies while searching for the answer to a question.
You can discover information about ...
a) how they represent a successful outcome to themselves,
b) how they stop themselves from getting what they want,
c) how they want several things that are in conflict with each other etc.
This will give you information that is often not available to the person at a conscious level, so watch and listen for eye movements, hand gestures, head movements, language patterns etc.
Have fun with this!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
How to Detect Lies.. Become a Lie Detector
Introduction to Detecting Lies:
The following techniques and observations to tell if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.
Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; After gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.
Signs of Deception:
Body Language of Lies:
• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body, the liar takes up less space.
• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.
• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.
Emotional Gestures & Contradictions
• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer than it would naturally, then stops suddenly.
• Timing is off between emotions, gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smiles after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.
• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”
• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.
Interactions and Reactions
• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.
• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.
• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.
Verbal Context and Content
• A liar will use your words to answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”
•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”
• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.
• The guilty person may speak more than usual, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.
• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone, When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.
• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.
Other signs of a lie:
• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to go back to the previous subject.
• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.
Final Notes:
Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.
The following techniques and observations to tell if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.
Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; After gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.
Signs of Deception:
Body Language of Lies:
• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body, the liar takes up less space.
• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.
• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.
Emotional Gestures & Contradictions
• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer than it would naturally, then stops suddenly.
• Timing is off between emotions, gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smiles after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.
• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”
• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.
Interactions and Reactions
• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.
• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.
• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.
Verbal Context and Content
• A liar will use your words to answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”
•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”
• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.
• The guilty person may speak more than usual, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.
• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone, When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.
• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.
Other signs of a lie:
• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to go back to the previous subject.
• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.
Final Notes:
Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.
Life's Little Instruction Book
Have a firm handshake.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower.
Own a great stereo system.
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the
difference.
Whistle.
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Choose your life's mate carefully. >From this one decision will come 90
per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with ! children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as
important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for
your convenience, not the caller's.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to
cross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the
things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only
stay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're
terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas
sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how
trivial their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind
you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your
ability to deal with people.
Don't expect life to be fair.
Look people in the eye.
Sing in the shower.
Own a great stereo system.
If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
Keep secrets.
Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the
difference.
Whistle.
Avoid sarcastic remarks.
Choose your life's mate carefully. >From this one decision will come 90
per cent of all your happiness or misery.
Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
Lend only those books you never care to see again.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
When playing games with ! children, let them win.
Give people a second chance, but not a third.
Be romantic.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as
important as it first seems.
Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for
your convenience, not the caller's.
Be a good loser.
Be a good winner.
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
Keep it simple.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to
cross the same river.
Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the
things you didn't do more than the one's you did.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who helped you.
Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only
stay a few minutes.
Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
Once in a while, take the scenic route.
Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're
terrific.'
Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas
sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how
trivial their job.
Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind
you.
Become someone's hero.
Marry only for love.
Count your blessings.
Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
Wave at the children on a school bus.
Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your
ability to deal with people.
Don't expect life to be fair.
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